this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
only you would photoshop your dick
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
