My room smells like vodka and shame
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
