im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
