I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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