I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
His nipple licking is glorious
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