The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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