I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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