she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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