um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
