drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
