life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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