Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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