Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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