let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
