alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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