On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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