i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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