mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
