I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I faked an abortion last night.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
