when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
