If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
