I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
