Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Randomize
