I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
