Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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