found the other keg... it's in the tree
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
