And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
