my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
