apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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