he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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