It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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