and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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