i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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