wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
