Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
