getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
