I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
