I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
