the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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