dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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