Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize