I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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