dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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