He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We have so much sex to catch up on
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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