Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
