if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize