Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
