i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
