I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
