saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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