I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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