yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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