Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
We have so much sex to catch up on
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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