My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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