My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
