At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sext me about skeletons
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
