I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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