she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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