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• (281): View more from Texas

  Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses

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• (209): View more from California

  Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....

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• (817): View more from Texas

  Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...

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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.

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• (315): View more from New York

  HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA

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• (562): View more from California

  I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.

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