Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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